Réparation

It has been a fucking long time.

It really is.

Thank you for still being here.

Thank you for waiting for me even though there is no assurance that I will be coming back.

When I nearly forgotten and had plans of never doing this ever again,

Thank you for staying.

This blog is what makes me human.

This is where I feel like I am part of something incredible.

Thank you for not letting me go.


And yes,

After a lot of thinking, I have decided

To come back and pour my heart out.

A new chapter will unfold, and this will again become my safe haven.

Tomorrow,
Gem

A company worth avoiding

It has been a while.

I think that I should just care about myself more than others.

I have to stop pleasing them and just be what I believe I should be.

Because eventually, no matter what I do and no matter what I say and appear, I will always get judged.

I just came to my senses after I had a drinking session with my "friends" last night. I should not give my trust that easily and I should always stay alert. Or else, I will be the one who will get the most damage sooner or later not really knowing who I am actually with.

I just have to cut those bullshit people in my life and stop joking myself that there are people out there that has pure intentions in life.

This is part of maturity. I have to carefully select those who are worthy and not just anybody who I came across.

I don't need people that will make my life miserable. 

So fuck you and goodbye. 

Thinking... Worried...

Gem ano nanaman ba nangyayari sayo?
Once again, naapektuhan nanaman work mo because of being so spaced out, thinking a lot of damn stuffs you, on the other hand, shouldn't bother you.

Those mistakes that you did is because of not being focused on what's in fron to f you goddamnit.

Well you know, a lot has been going through my mind...

Pero I never thought na aabot sa ganitong point. This is a very unfair treatment you see. All these months since I started no one gave me the proper training. All I ever did was to teach myself what to do and give the customers a good experience on my hand. But whatever, I messed things up real bad already. If they let me go, I will not even regret it though. I can't even save up that much.

So, me and the manager decided that I should take a break. I've taken the weeks off until August and if after that nothing comes, then it's fine with me. Maybe this should be the time for me to patch my life up.

I am so overly thinking ahead on what's going to happen next that I'm completely away from the present. Maybe Paolo was right, I am not handling things very well kasi, hindi naman talaga ako "future person" eh. And when I try to be that kind of person, I'll just mess myself up. This time, I'm really going to do the right thing, I have to do things one step at a time.

5 more days to go and we are going to move to a new house which is indeed bigger and more comfy. Everyone's packing their stuff once again like what we actually did before leaving the Philippines and I just don;t want to feel that ambiance ever again so... I wasn't even try to pack my things up - even though mom out out my two luggage bags which have so much memories from the PH inside. I can't even bear to look at it all but... sooner or later before Wednesday, I just have to prepare my stuffs and once again, leave the place that has been part of my life already. I am really gonna miss my bedroom, you know. I've put so much effort (and money) on making my room this wonderful and a magical haven for me but now, I have to let it go with all it's decorations and love.

4 more days to go and I'll be having my yearly medical check-up and I'm pretty sure that the results will be better since I've been healthier since I got here in Canada but I don't know why it bothers my mind so much.

1 month to go and I'm about to upgrade my driver's license to Class 5 Graduated Driver's License and I'm not even that 'good' to be called a driver so far. And I can't afford to fail on my first road test since it's too expensive to re-take. Puta. This is what worries me the most. I do wanna drive already, I want to have a car already but... If I won't be able to drive properly then, this goal will just go farther and farther away from me.

1 month to go and I have to pay my tuition for the incoming Fall Semester and I haven't even saved that much yet. Damn grabeng independence naman 'to sa Canada!! Pag 18+ na you have to take full responsibility of your life already. SO different talaga sa life ko dati. Ngayon, ako na nagbibigay ng allowance sa sarili ko, ako na bumibili ng basic needs ko, ako nalang mag-isa pumupunta sa mga serious appointments and most especially... ME and only me will have to pay my OWN bills. Damn this adult life hahahaha.

9 months to go but I haven't even have enough savings to even buy myself a plane ticket for my "planned" visit to the PH. But how can I save if there's so much expenses ahead. Hayyyyy... But I just have to work if I have to accomplish this, right. I have no choice, it's either this or nothing will ever be the reason for me.

I have these 5 things bothering the fuck out of me. But instead of sitting here, typing all my rants, I should take action right? And that's what I am going to do right NOW.

Fly away

I always try my best to update this every now and then, but when I try to start - I go back to reminisce my old posts until sobrang lazy ko na to begin a new one hahaha.

But now, I finally did it, my attempt to create a new post is a success and as always, I've been gone for quite a while and so many stories to tell but I wouldn't dwell on the past either.

Because for tonight, nothing's coming up in my mind but only the thought of me and my family moving to a new home on the 15th of July next week.

For sure, this will be a new beginning and a new opportunity for us. Hindi ko nga alam kung mae-excite ako or not because I love my room so much, I can't even trade this for anything else.

But maybe this is really how it goes in life. Nothing will ever be permanent and there will always be a constant change. But still, goodbyes and leaving are the worst. It's just too much for me, packing my things up after you've settled - just like when I was in the Philippines, when I already had everything I needed.

Change is for the better, God always has a better plan for us that is why we should choose to move forward and never stay on the same page forever.

There still lots of improvement to do.

Rise & Grow

I was just recently looking back on my recent posts back when I was 16-17 years old...
Damn, bakit kaya ang dami kong sinasabi before? And it seems like I was such a very restless girl that time that I'm going to places one after another.

It was so easy na iwaldas ang pera sa cab pag walang driver kasi yung pera na ginagastos ko is hindi naman ako naghirap and in fact, allowance ko yun coming from mom. Highschool days will definitely cannot be forgotten that instantly, kasi until now it's still vivid from my memory how childish we were and back then, we can't wait to go to college, have a job and grow up. Life was a breeze for me those days, since we can easily get away from whatever trouble we're into kasi minors pa kami hahaha and also because of influences and $$$. To think na akala ko life will get easier when I grew up hahahaha!! 

Having those memories just makes me thankful that I was able to experience things like that with people whom I considered a very precious part of my life.

Hayyyy....

What happened?

After 5 years...

Bakit parang hindi na ako as enthusiastic and as imaginative like the first time I posted here in blogspot in 2010? Hindi na ganun ka-colorful and wala na masyadong variety yung post ko hahaha. 

Have I come to that time where I'm already defeated by reality? That right now, I have become a slave of the society nd the economy who just wished to survive the day even with just a penny? 

Have I become "that" person that I said I don;t want to be?

Ako lang naman makakasagot nun diba?

I know I don't want to live a life only set by rules...

However, at this present day, I have goals and objectives to finish before I can finally tell myself that I can now live according to my own will.

Right now, I just have to let myself follow certain rules to get by and attain my goals and most especially, my dreams.

Siguro ngayon, naging mas mature lang ako na yung mga iniisip ko hindi na katulad ng dati. 

Kasi napansin ko, nag-iingat na ako sa pagtatype ko ng mga blog ko unlike dati, basta makapag-post lang ako kasi feeling ko cool kid ako hahahaha.

Ganun nga siguro, I had just overgrown such ideas that I thought ridiculous to pursue. 

But believe me, I am still happy, baliw parin ako pero ngayon with manners na hahaha☺
Akala ko dati alam ko na lahat. Pero ngayon bakit pakiramdam ko kulang pa yung nalalaman ko about life? Is this part of growing up? Once I knew a little bit of the truth, all else comes crashing down just like what our Philosophy prof said.

I did grew - like what I wished for when I was in high school. But it wasn't that easy like what I thought.


GEM.

Pero minsan nasasaktan ako, kapag nakikita ko yung sarili ko na trying so hard to bring back things in the past. It's funny because ngayon gusto ko na ng replay and ayaw ko na ng fast forward. 

Makalipas Ang Isang Taon...

In 4 days, it will be me and my family's one year anniversary upon landing here in Canada.

To celebrate, I looked back on my April - May 2014 blog posts. And while I was reading those, ewan ko pero naiyak ako - kasi bumalik yung feeling na nararamdaman ko nung nalaman ko na tuloy na tuloy na talaga yung pag-alis namin. Grabe, hirap na hirap pala ako emotionally last year. I was struggling with time and to always be with my boyfriend. Pag naalala ko talaga yun, hindi ko parin talaga mapigilan na maiyak hahaha.

But now, look at me.

Nandito na ako, and isang taon na ang nakakalipas.

Masaya na ako, and I believe na I am getting used to it. 

I feel much better, I look much better and my love for my boyfriend got even stronger kahit ang daming haters ng long distance relationship namin hahaha.

I can now declare that I am now on the stage of acceptance kasi tapos na ako sa denial stage. 

Everything here in Canada seems pretty normal to me already. Medyo naka-adjust na din siguro ako and English is not that awkward to me anymore unlike before hahahaha.

Pero alam ko, madami pa akong kailangan malaman, ma-experience at matutunan especially driving since magiging Class 5 na license ko in a couple of months and I will be the first driver in our family hahaha.

School has been fine for me. My friends were okay, and I enjoy having their company. Siguro hindi ako magiging ganito kasaya kung hindi dahil sa mga bago kong kaibigan na nakilala ko kung saan-saan haha.

In short, yung nararamdaman ko naman ngayon is happiness.
Unlike last year this month na sobrang nagdudusa ako sa kalungkutan ng pag-alis namin.

Masaya ako ngayon kasi nandito ako kasama family ko, kumpleto kami and we're doing perfectly fine. Nakatira kami sa comfortable na bahay, nandito lahat ng kailangan namin and even more than what we need.
Masaya ako ngayon kasi may mga kaibigan ako na pinapaalala sa akin na hindi ako nag-iisa and pinapasaya nila ako.
Masaya ako kasi natutunan ko maging independent sa buhay. Lahat ng life choices na para sakin ako yung nagdedesisyon para sa sarili ko and somehow, financially independent na din.
Masaya ako kasi nagagawa ko lahat ng alam ko na kaya kong gawin and the same goes for my family. 

Masaya ako kasi nakayanan namin, nakayanan ko. We've made it this far.

I never thought that life couldn't get any better. But it did and it's still getting better and better.

Siguro nga ang kailangan lang talaga gawin is to go on with life and just keep on trying - at the right time and at the right place. 

Right now, I feel so blessed with everything.

Lahat ng paghihirap namin, parang ngayon nakikita ko na nagkaka-outcome na. Lalo na yung paghihirap nila mommy at daddy. 

Even if it's still too early to say, but I believe that the hardships we've faced has finally paid off. 

I'm not saying that our life here is perfect, but it is what we needed.
Even though may mga challenges na dumating, it just shows that family is all you need to keep your spirits up.

Madami akong natutunan and alam ko madami pang dadating na life lessons sakin.

Thank you, Lord.

I've become a better version of myself. Ngayon, pakiramdam ko "okay na ako".

It took me a year to finally accept the changes.

And here I am. Very very fine.

It's just a matter of not giving up on whatever life throws at you and keeping a positive attitude.

It's one hell of a ride but we finally did it and we survived. 
GEM.

Diary-hea

Yesterday was like the worst of all the worst days of my life.

That was the first time ever I experienced fucking DIARRHEA.

You don't really wanna know the details on what happened "during" my suffering hahaha.

In the afternoon kasi, I ate  a platter of pancit bihon at work and then siguro hindi pa ako natutunawan that time, I went home and ate dinner - sweet and sour fish then watermelon for dessert.

I felt cold and sobrang busog so I decided nung mga 8:30pm to lay down and sleep nalang muna.

I never thought that would be the worst decision I ever did in my life so far.

I woke up by 11pm and I feel like di parin ako natutunawan. My stomach hurts but I did not pay much attention to it kasi feeling ko naman since gising na ako, matutunaw na mga kinain ko hahaha. Oh my gosh logic.

So after I wash up and getting ready for bedtime (even though kakagising ko lang), I drink tea to soothe my aching hard tummy. But still it was no use, I ended up going to bed with a hard aching stomach and feeling sooooo damn bloated. I wasn't able to sleep until 3am. Then I even had a nightmare kasi nga siguro busog parin ako kaya ako binangungot. 

The next day, I was supposed to leave home by 9am and go to work at 10am. But I just could not move!! Me and my mom did not really know what was really happening with me so we called a nurse and the nurse suggested that I should go to the emergency to check my unusual situation. Mom even encouraged me to go to the hospital ASAP. I don't know but I am just afraid of hospitals that's why I refused and just stayed home. While mom really took care of me ♥

The next events that occurred was much much worse...... 

it was already 'the' diarrhea that's hitting me.

I feel so weak and whenever I try to eat something to regain my energy, it will just end up in the toilet bawl. Then I became scared of eating. 

For the whole day and until midnight I was doing the same cycle. Eating and drinking then shitting. I shitted for like 14 times that my butt hole already hurt!!

It was funny now while I am typing what happened to me yesterday and I am actually giggling while I am typing this but while I was on that situation for one whole day yesterday, it was not fun and I just wanted to die hahahhaa. But wouldn't it be ridiculous that my cause of death would be that freakin diarrhea? Hahahaha. But yes, some people do and now I can understand why. May their souls rest in peace. 

The last shit to end all the shits was after I ate ice cream with chocolate, vanilla and strawberry flavour and after that, mom massaged my tummy and I slept in their room because I feel safe and it was near the washroom. I felt cozy and slept by 12am.

Gosh, shitting all day made me so fucking tired!! *not funny during that time but now it is hahaha!!*

I woke up today at 6am feeling good as new and very very much refreshed!!
I even thought I am back in the Philippines because of that sunny cozy feeling I have! Wow, it was a good morning.

Mom cooked baconsssss and egg for me and sardines. But now, even though my favorite foods are in front of me already, I have gained "trust issues" with foods that I have to be careful of what I am eating and how I am eating before, during and after. 

I had learned "stuffs" after this devastating experience from my diarrhea. 
It's not that my tummy doesn't want me to get fat, it's just upset on my un-healthy lifestyle and eating untimely. And I clearly understand why it was reacting that way after the flashbacks. I have also been sickly these past few weeks -  got a fever last tuesday and now this diarrhea thing. Maybe what was happening to me had a relation to my heavy drinking last April 28 where on the 29th the toilet bawl was my companion for vomiting for like 6x that morning. Shit. 

I was "trying" to shape my physical features up and toning my butt, etc., but then, even my insides like my tummy and my intestines need some attention too and a lot of caring and that was the most important lesson here. Balance my friend. Inside and out.

Never sleep late. It ruins everything. Your skin will not look good, you will not feel good, and the process of digesting food will not be as good as it was. Simply, staying up late will not do any good to your body and your health. That will be the second most important lesson. Sleep in the right time for sleeping, not sleeping wayyy too early because you just feel sleepy. Avoid that.

Always be on time. Not just on your appointments, meetings, school and work but over everything you do. Eat on time - third most important lesson. Because even digestion needs schedule and eating must be on the priority. Time management.

Watch out on what you're eating and make sure your hands are clean. I can't believe that I am saying this, but these precautions are actually true!!! Viruses and infections can be anywhere and once you swallowed even the tiniest of it, boom! say hello to the D. Also, watch out for the medicines you're taking - just believe me, that can be dangerous, a bomb inside your tummy.

Avoid being stressed, eat slowly and chew that food properly. Experience-tially speaking, these are the reasons why my diarrhea started after all (and also to avoid choking)

Do not lay down right after eating. Do not sleep right after eating. Do not lay down and sleep when you're full right after eating. Allow at least 30 minutes in an upright position for the food to come down the right path. I know, I know. How can someone be so stupid not to know that right? But for me, I have to experience the effects first before I learn my lesson. Since I care for you... this is going to be my 6th most important lesson.

It is indeed a lot of work when it comes to taking care of the body especially health but believe me, in the long run, it is definitely worth it. Because being healthy means you don;t have to experience what I went through.... 

Now, I'm already recovering from my sickness and I have trust issues from all the foods right now (I love food btw). I will never look at them the same way anymore after this incident. 

I love first times but this is the first time I don't want to ever happen again. 
It's funny, but wait till it happens to you haha!

GEM.